In the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic and the 2020 Presidential election, we learned members of the media class have only one priority: the truth.To that end we, the experts, are here to help you think for yourself– as long as what you think is compliant with the narrative we give you, which can’t possibly be disputed since our claims are supported by independent fact-checkers.. Forget what your lying eyes tell you after you witness the replacing of the local diner with another Burger King or another mom and pop shop being run out of business by Jeff Bezos; the talk about us having “an agenda” is a conspiracy theory developed by Kremlin Trolls. In this time of healing, it’s our duty to avoid hypocritical and violent attitudes towards those who don’t agree with us, especially those stupid hicks in flyover states. If anyone shows any concern or doubt about anything we say, we can conclude then they are a racist, sexist, or are excessively Islamophobic. How did we come to these conclusions, you may ask? Well, we in the media class had the pleasure of examining one of the country’s leading experts on the pandemic and election committees: The Fact-Check Fairy.
She told us it was a pleasure to share with us today the real truth about the chaos of 2020, and the amazing way how, with a swing of her wand, can make any statement true regardless of whether or not it actually happened.
“The Fact-Check Fairy was a big help with us in determining the truth and stopping dangerous viewpoints from getting too powerful” said Twitter’s multibillionaire CEO Jack Dorsey. “With her help we found out that Hunter Biden’s shady (but definitely false) deals with China were not true, so the decision to ban the story was definitely necessary to stop those good for nothing Russian trolls.”(1)
When told that the Hunter Biden deals did actually happen, Dorsey responded: “Well sure they did happen, and does reveal the corruption in the president-elect’s family, but when shown to the fairy, she simply just smiled, waved her magic wand up to the sky and said the magic words ‘bibbity-bobbity-boo!’ And suddenly, like magic, it wasn’t the truth anymore, so now we were allowed to ban the story across our platform!”
The Fact-Check Fairy didn’t just help out with our political news, but also protecting the truth that the experts are our heroes with our best interests in mind when it comes to Covid policy. With her help we learned that Dr.Fauci is always correct, even though his views on masks changed when it became fashionable to virtue signal by wearing them(2). However, because the Fairy has determined everything that he said is true, anyone who has any sort of distrust is another stupid and bigoted conspiracy theorist Trump-voter who hates diversity and women.
“The Fact-Check Fairy was and always will be the backbone of the COVID Task Force” Fauci declared. “She has been my wing fairy, ready to help with my credibility whenever I need her help most. When I was being questioned in the Senate, who had evidence that I had been lying to the American people on subjects such as lockdowns, masks, children in schools, and my resistance to quarantine at the start of the crisis, she stood up in front of them and flew all around the Senators, sprinkling her magic dust. Suddenly, all the evidence against me mystically became invalid and Sen. Rand Paul had to let me get off unpunished– it turns out, claims that I change with the political winds are disputed by the experts.”
The Fact-Check Fairy is now doing a cross country tour of all the college campuses across the United States. She even showed us an example of her magic during our interview by bringing a gas lamp to our office, telling us to watch and learn. Her hands would turn down the light little by little, and while we did see that the lamp was getting dimmer, her magic powers made it true that it was still as bright as it was, and no one was allowed to question her. When asked where she was able to acquire this sorcery from, she told us that her magic powers come from the mouths of various mainstream media anchormen, such as Chris Cuomo. We thank the Fact-Check Fairy for all of her hard work; she taught us that if reality tells us something, we must fight back against it with the truth.